“Everything is about sex, except sex- sex is about power”
Chances are you have come across this quote at some point in your life...
Although there is debate about who and if anyone said the quote (often attributed to Oscar Wilde) it’s a fascinating topic to think about.
Have you stopped to consider what it means?
How could sex be about power?
In my opinion, the statement is not so much about the act of sex, but rather sexuality itself.
Sexuality is about your sexual feelings, thoughts, attractions and behaviours towards other people.
Most of us haven’t stopped to think about the interplay of sexuality and power.
But
Sexuality and Power are interlinked in more ways than one.
So, what impact does power have on your sexuality?
Let’s explore the interplay of sexuality and power from 3 levels.
Mating patterns (evolutionary/societal level)
Negotiation of Sexual Desires and Power (interpersonal level)
People into power exchange in their relationship/sexuality (personal level)
1. Mating Patterns
There’s a lot that can be said here.
Let’s focus on what evolutionary psychology tells us about mating in humans.
The key to understanding a lot of human behaviour from an evolutionary viewpoint is in the phenomenon known as sexual dimorphism.
Humans, as in many mammals exhibit sexual dimorphism- that is, there is a difference in our forms according to sex.
Men are usually bigger than women.
Women have a far greater parental investment in terms of time and energy through pregnancy.
These sex differences result in preferences in mating.
Women seek men with greater resources or power: A man with resources is more able to support a woman through the process of child rearing.
Men seek power through resources or positions in society.
From a purely evolutionary psychology perspective, it all comes down to one thing.
Both sexes are competing for the best mate.
Power is at the centre of each of the sexes' mating strategy.
In short, more power = more sex.
If men have more power they have more sex.
If women meet a man with power they are more interested in sex.
Therefore you could also think of the quote as:
“the ultimate goal of homosapiens is to reproduce, and thus everything is about sex, however you’re much more likely to be successful if you have power, so beneath the desire for sex is also a desire for power.”
Mating preferences therefore demonstrate one way of how power and sex are interconnected.
What about within relationships?
2. Negotiation of Sexual Desires and Power (interpersonal)
Often when we hear the word negotiate we think of political decisions in the greater world.
In our personal lives we often think of the negotiations we may have at work for pay rises.
But we don’t only negotiate in our work life.
The truth is-
We negotiate every single day.
This is especially true in our relationships.
Negotiation in relationships shows up in many ways.
Allocation of chores.
Family tasks.
And what most interests me personally- exploring each other's sexual desires.
If we don’t negotiate any of these things, conflict often arises.
Around 50% of people in relationships experience Sexual dissatisfaction
Understanding and negotiating your desires is the key to sexual satisfaction.
The first step is to recognise that there are power dynamics in any relationship.
Often there is a leader and a follower.
One person may be more satisfied than the other.
Or both may be missing out.
Relationship satisfaction depends on successful discussions around sexual desires.
A co creation of an environment where both parties desires can be explored.
From this interpersonal point of view, another way to understand the quote
"everything is about sex, expcept sex, sex is about power"
may be
"everything is about sex, except sex, sex is about understanding and negotiating for what you want in your relationship".
But, what about the act of sexuality itself?
3. People into power exchange in their relationship/sexuality (personal)
The most obvious way that sexuality and power intersect would be in those individuals who are most fulfilled by a power dynamic in their sexuality.
Maybe it’s the act of sex itself that is always about power.
BDSM-related activities have been performed by almost half of the general population at least once (48%) and fantasised by about a quarter of the same population (22%).
Power-exchange fantasies were also one of the three most common fantasies in a survey of 4000 Americans.
Despite the popularity of power exchange, there is still some stigma around power dynamic sexualities.
Such stigma is most likely due to the sexuality preference not so long ago being considered a mental disorder.
However research shows there is no difference in measures of mental health, such as depression, anxiety, OCD, sadism, masochism and PTSD, in those who practised BDSM compared to published test norms.
BDSM practitioners are also no more likely to have mental health or past sexual trauma than the general population
And interestingly have been found to be:
less neurotic
more extroverted
more open to new experiences
more conscientious
than those who do not practise BDSM.
As discussed earlier, evolutionary psychology demonstrates the interplay of power and sexuality in our mating preferences.
Power differentials are thus as ancient as our species.
This makes me wonder, are BDSM sexualities/eroticising power a natural adaptation?
Not only seeking out a mate who has power, but in the act of eroticism itself.
Regardless, the research is now clear, a sexuality centred around power dynamics is a healthy and prevalent type of sexuality.
Perhaps the person who originally wrote the quote "everything is about sex, but sex is about power" was referring literally to individuals who require a power dynamic in their eroticism for sexual satisfaction.
I've discussed 3 ways of understanding the quote. “Everything is about sex, except sex- Sex is about power”.
Mating strategies
Negotiating desires
Eroticising power
Which one resonates most with you?
How do power and sexuality interplay in your life?
Do you think the evolutionary approach to mating explains any patterns or experiences in your dating life?
How do you negotiate exploring your desires in your relationships?
Thanks for reading and commenting!
Emma
Want to explore my other writing?
Why Your Desires Are More Normal Than You Think.
What If Everything You Know About Men and Women Is Wrong?
The Hidden Key to Lasting Desire: It’s Not What You Think
References
https://studyfinds.org/survey-only-two-in-five-women-fully-satisfied-after-sex-with-their-partner/
Buss, D. M. (1996). The evolutionary psychology of human social strategies. In E. T. Higgins & A. W. Kruglanski (Eds.), Social psychology: Handbook of basic principles (pp. 3–38). The Guilford Press.
Buss, D. M. (2004). Evolutionary psychology: The new science of the mind (2nd ed.). Boston: Pearson.
Connolly, P.H. (2008). Psychological Functioning of Bondage/Domination/Sado-Masochism (BDSM) Practitioners. Journal of Psychology and Human Sexuality, 18(1), 79-120. https://doi.org/10.1300/J056v18n01_05
Denes, A., Crowley, J. P., & Bennett, M. (2020). Between the sheets: Investigating young adults’ communication during sexual activity. Personal Relationships, 27(2), 484–501.
Holvoet,L., Huys, W., Coppens, V., Seeuws, J., Goethals, K., & Morrens, M. (2017). Fifty Shades of Belgian Gray: The Prevalence of BDSM-Related Fantasies and Activities in the General Population. Journal of Sexual Medicine, 14(9), 1152-1159.
Holmberg, P. (2016). BDSM and Mental Health: The Myths and the Science.
https://sexeducationresearch.org/2016/03/07/bdsm-and-mental-health-the-myths-and-the-science/
Lehmiller, J. 2018. Tell Me What You Want. London: Robinson.
Richters, J., De Visser, R.O., Rissel, C.E., Grulich, A.E., & Smith, A.M.A. (2008). Demographic and Psychosocial Features of Participants in Bondage and Discipline, “Sadomasochism” or Dominance and Submission (BDSM): Data from a National Survey. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 5(7), 1660-1668.
Wismeijer, A.A.J & van Assen, M.A.L.M. (2013). Psychological Characteristics of BDSM Practitioners. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 10, 1943-1952.
I've long held that the two most deterministic polarities (or spectra, or axes) in human sexuality are a) sexual orientation, and b) power dynamics. Regardless of the gender makeup or sexual orientation of the couple, one usually assumes the role of the "giver," and the other the role of the "receiver," and this manifests in many different ways (not just in the bedroom, though it's probably at its most raw and visceral there). And a lot of relationship problems (and eventually failures) stem from clashing polarities.
Since you're more of an expert than I am... am I on to something? I realize it's likely overly simplistic (and I'm certainly not claiming that *every* relationship issue can be traced back to misaligned power dynamics), but it does make intuitive sense to me. I also wonder what Jung made of it, since it does seem to have an archetypal quality (not to mention Jung's ideas of the Anima/Animus).
I like the exploration of evolutionary perspective. I our evolutionary history, men compete for power. And women choose men who have won power to reproduce with. The purpose of life is to reproduce successfully. Men must aquire power to reproduce. And women choose men with power to reproduce with.