Not falling into the trap of short-hand seduction is the challenge of long-term love. The play and enjoyment happens in the more nuanced moments between partners. It's a daily practice of presence and appreciation.
BTW, These days it's not hard to spot content that was lifted right off the page of an AI helper. Thanks for keeping it real as well as insightful.
Emma, thank you, thank you and thank you for writing and sharing this beautiful article. I love Esther Perels work.
I love people who see sex as something deeper and not just physical release. it is sacred and presence ritual. i also absolutely agree that the seduction does live outside the bedroom and every day roles . keep writing, you have a beautiful talent
Thank you so much! I really appreciate you taking the time to let me know what resonated with you and I'm excited to let you know that there is more coming on this topic soon so keep an eye out! 😊
I agree with the premise that sex does not equal mating, and that when ritual and the unexpected are removed and replaced by repetitive, predictable routine, things begin to go downhill. I suspect that as a result, some relationships may effectively have a built-in "sell by" date.
<< It is not uncommon for participants in BDSM to describe deeply erotic experiences that did not include the act of sex. >>
Of course! I have encountered masochists who either orgasmed or experienced immense arousal from pain, one woman who climaxed from bondage, and a number whose bizarre fetishes (e.g., garlic-play) led to sexual fulfillment without "sex" per se.
Thank you for a fascinating post! I have added *Mating in Captivity* to my TBR list!
This is the first time I've read your stuff. Really good post. You came at this from an angle I have not seen before and interpreted "Mating in Captivity" through a different lens. I will be back.
Sex in captivity is a perfect microcosm for how to live life in the modern world. If youre going to be trapped with others, no use fighting, so you may as well fuck
Some of what you describe is very similar to the concept of the "magic circle" for games (ttrpg/tabletop).
However, I disagree with this assertion "The ability to see your partner not only as the person who helps with groceries, pays bills, or lies beside you every night — but as someone slightly unknowable."
If mystery excites you, that is great, but to assume your path to arousal is the only one, is the same trap that so many people fall into. This is the way I have fun, so it is the only way. This is the food I like best, so it is the only good food. This is the god I worship, so it is the only true religion. And so on :)
The 'mystery' idea seems to harken back to the same concept as not leaving the bathroom door open with your partner, that somehow, to know them, will "reduce your desire". Quite frankly, that is a problem with the person who believes that. To connect with people you have to know them. Everything, not just an idealized version, free from reality.
As someone who is blissfully child-free, 'mating' is extremely loaded. But I see your distinction, the conflation of the words, but for me, 'courting' is a much more appealing phrase. However, each generation seems to lament this, no? The complaining about the loss of letter writing that the telephone created, the loss of talking that email created, etc.
Perhaps there is less rituals, or perhaps, they have transformed, into something alien to our generation, but crucial to the next.
Not falling into the trap of short-hand seduction is the challenge of long-term love. The play and enjoyment happens in the more nuanced moments between partners. It's a daily practice of presence and appreciation.
BTW, These days it's not hard to spot content that was lifted right off the page of an AI helper. Thanks for keeping it real as well as insightful.
Thank you so much. I appreciate that the realness of the writing shined through. And yes please to more play in love 💖
Emma, thank you, thank you and thank you for writing and sharing this beautiful article. I love Esther Perels work.
I love people who see sex as something deeper and not just physical release. it is sacred and presence ritual. i also absolutely agree that the seduction does live outside the bedroom and every day roles . keep writing, you have a beautiful talent
Great piece, thank you for sharing ❤️
Thanks so much for reading 😊
What a wonderful article - slices right through! I love works that ponder but also works that cut to the core and the chase, so thank you.
Particular emphasis that my spirit needed to hear was: desire needs space. Holding paradox. Maintain play and intimacy beyond the bedroom.
More please 👏🏼👌🏼🙏🏻🤗
Thank you so much! I really appreciate you taking the time to let me know what resonated with you and I'm excited to let you know that there is more coming on this topic soon so keep an eye out! 😊
I agree with the premise that sex does not equal mating, and that when ritual and the unexpected are removed and replaced by repetitive, predictable routine, things begin to go downhill. I suspect that as a result, some relationships may effectively have a built-in "sell by" date.
<< It is not uncommon for participants in BDSM to describe deeply erotic experiences that did not include the act of sex. >>
Of course! I have encountered masochists who either orgasmed or experienced immense arousal from pain, one woman who climaxed from bondage, and a number whose bizarre fetishes (e.g., garlic-play) led to sexual fulfillment without "sex" per se.
Thank you for a fascinating post! I have added *Mating in Captivity* to my TBR list!
Lovely and thoughtful, thank you!
This is the first time I've read your stuff. Really good post. You came at this from an angle I have not seen before and interpreted "Mating in Captivity" through a different lens. I will be back.
Thank you so much! Happy to have you here. Look forward to hearing your feedback on my other writing ☺️
Sex in captivity is a perfect microcosm for how to live life in the modern world. If youre going to be trapped with others, no use fighting, so you may as well fuck
Thank you - loved this piece and your framework. I look forward to reading more and will be checking out your podcast!
thank you so much Dr. Silvina, I appreciate you taking the time to check out my work. Let me know what you think of the podcast :)
Some of what you describe is very similar to the concept of the "magic circle" for games (ttrpg/tabletop).
However, I disagree with this assertion "The ability to see your partner not only as the person who helps with groceries, pays bills, or lies beside you every night — but as someone slightly unknowable."
If mystery excites you, that is great, but to assume your path to arousal is the only one, is the same trap that so many people fall into. This is the way I have fun, so it is the only way. This is the food I like best, so it is the only good food. This is the god I worship, so it is the only true religion. And so on :)
The 'mystery' idea seems to harken back to the same concept as not leaving the bathroom door open with your partner, that somehow, to know them, will "reduce your desire". Quite frankly, that is a problem with the person who believes that. To connect with people you have to know them. Everything, not just an idealized version, free from reality.
As someone who is blissfully child-free, 'mating' is extremely loaded. But I see your distinction, the conflation of the words, but for me, 'courting' is a much more appealing phrase. However, each generation seems to lament this, no? The complaining about the loss of letter writing that the telephone created, the loss of talking that email created, etc.
Perhaps there is less rituals, or perhaps, they have transformed, into something alien to our generation, but crucial to the next.