Why Your Desires Are More Normal Than You Think.
Unpacking the Myths and Psychology Behind Sexual Desire
The number 1 reason couples go to sex therapists is due to desire discrepancies.
We know we all want to desire and be desired.
But we aren’t taught anything about what desire is.
How can we cultivate more of something we can’t explain?
What is desire anyway?
Let’s start from the beginning.
What is desire?
According to the dictionary desire is:
/dəˈzī(ə)r/
“A strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen.”
But is desire as simple as wanting?
It certainly seems to when it comes to sexual desire.
I’d go so far as to say that our sexual desires point to the core of who we are.
Our sexuality can not be changed, what we desire is as unique as we are. ‘
So where do our desire originate from?
The word itself seems to point to the idea that our desires are innately part of what makes us human.
The Origins of Desire
The word "desire" finds its roots in Latin dēsīderō, meaning "to long for, feel the want of, or to miss."
The phrase de sidere translates to “from the stars”.
I feel that this ancient definition points to an understanding of the unique, and inherent nature of our desires.
To desire and be desired is a human experience.
The Many Faces of Sexual Desire
Sexual desire is a complex and multi-dimensional force. According to clinician Stephen B. Levine Sexual desire is composed of 3 parts.
biological drive (what our bodies crave),
psychological motives (what our minds and relationships seek),
cultural wishes (what society and history have shaped in us).
Desire exists on a spectrum and all 3 of these aspects of desire impact each other.
What I am most interested in, due to my obsession with the mind is of course the psychological motives.
Why does everyone have a unique desire template?
What turns one person on may disgust another and vice versa.
And where does one even start to unravel their desires?
You Are Normal
Before we go any further, a quick note on the idea of normal.
One of the most common questions I receive is “am I normal?”
People are often confused, feeling ashamed and like they must hide their true desires.
I received the question so much I took a deep dive into the idea of normal, and I was shocked with what I found.
Have you checked the definition of the word normal?
Normal comes from the Latin normalis, meaning "made according to a carpenter's square.
That’s right.
Normal was originally used by carpenters. It is a construction term, not a psychological one.
Normal has evolved over time to describe what is typical or expected within a specific context.
But here’s the thing: when people refer to “normal” in a psychological sense, what they often really mean is “average.”
And let’s be honest—who is truly statistically average?
Human experience is incredibly diverse, and the idea of an “average person” is a statistical construct, not a reality.
Nobody is the perfect median of every trait, desire, or behavior.
When it comes to desire, there is no singular "normal." Research into kinky sexuality reveals that those with unconventional tastes are often less neurotic, more open, and experience no more mental health struggles than their vanilla counterparts.
And history is full of examples of extraordinary people with extraordinary desires. From Einstein to Foucault, some of the greatest minds and creators explored desires well beyond the “norm.” (See the amazing book Kinky History by Esme Louise James for more on this)
So the real answer to the question- am I normal? Is no you’re not!
But, the good news is- no one is, because there is no normal.
What’s next?
We have established that desires are an innate part of us and removed the idea of abnormal desires, so what now?
That’s where my upcoming course comes in.
It dives deep into the psychology of desire, unravelling how our minds shape our desires.
If you’ve ever wondered why you desire the things you do—or how to better understand and channel those desires—this course will offer insights that go beyond the surface.
If this resonates with you, make sure to subscribe to my Substack to stay up to date on the course launch.
Subscribers will get early access, exclusive discounts, and ongoing insights into the psychology of desire, plus plenty of other thought-provoking content.
Let’s explore the depths of your desires—because understanding them is the first step to embracing them.
Emma
Founder of Psychology of Desire
Host of The Erotic Realm
Want to dive deeper into your desires with me personally? I offer 1:1 Coaching via application. Find out more here.
To support my work and what I’m creating at the Psychology of Desire please consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.
p.s Want to explore my other writing?
The Secret Life of Your Desire
Why Your Desires Are More Normal Than You Think.
What If Everything You Know About Men and Women Is Wrong?
The Hidden Key to Lasting Desire: It’s Not What You Think
Are Men and Women Wired Differently For Desire?
And don’t forget my Jung of Sex Series:
p.p.s Want to check out my projects?
1. Support The Erotic Realm Confessional here.
2. Be part of The Deep Desire Project here.
Exciting Announcement! The Erotic Realm now has it’s own merchandise! If you love the show and want to support it check it out here.
Want to dive deeper into your desires with me personally? I offer 1:1 Coaching via application. Find out more here.
References:
James, E. L. (2024). Kinky History: A Rollicking Journey through Our Sexual Past, Present, and Future. TarcherPerigee.
Levine, S. B. (2003). The nature of sexual desire: A clinician's perspective. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 32(3), 279–285. DOI: 10.1023/a:1023421819465
Wismeijer, A. A. J., & van Assen, M. A. L. M. (2013). Psychological characteristics of BDSM practitioners. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 10(8), 1943–1952. DOI: 10.1111/jsm.12192
Thank you!
Lovely topic to explore, nice article :)